Patents for the Apocalypse

As the holiday season is fast upon us, one would expect to see some patents related to the holidays, but since yesterday was 12/12/12, and the Mayan Apocalypse is fast upon us, it seems like the best use of time in what could be my last post before the end of the world would be to help highlight some of the things that will keep us safe during the upcoming Apocalypse (I don’t think excessively long, run-on sentences are one of them).  There are many signs that the Mayans are correct. Hockey has disappeared from the face of the planet, causing tons of negative karmic energy to come streaming out of Canada. The Gangham Style dance express to one billion YouTube views has taken over from the Macarena as possibly the weirdest dance trend ever.  And Chelsea won the Champions League despite finishing fifth in the Premier League.  So, in short, we’re doomed (unless, of course, the Mayans went all Harold Camping on us, and they turn out to be wrong).

It’s better to be safe than sorry, though, so continue reading for patents to help you survive the (maybe) oncoming Apocalypse!

1. Mayan Symbol-bearing clock device

Warning: doesn't come with a snooze button.

Warning: doesn’t come with a snooze button.

Countdown to the apocalypse with this stylish alarm clock.  Made with real wood and bones taken from an ancient Mayan burial ground, this alarm clock will countdown to the exact time of the apocalypse, giving you a head start on when you should start panicking.

2. Apparatus and method for blocking zombie behavior process

Make all your zombie-based decisions with this handy dandy flow chart!

Make all your zombie-based decisions with this handy dandy flow chart!

If there is an apocalypse, then there are going to be zombies.  However, I didn’t know zombie blocking techniques were so algorithmic.  I thought there was only one way to stop zombies and that was to not have any brains.

3. Wilderness survival methods and apparatuses

Maybe not the most effective zombie weapon.

Maybe not the most effective zombie weapon.

If you are going to survive, then you are going to need tools, and these scissors do the job.  Just make sure to get a good brand with sharp blades.  Otherwise you might have trouble when you eventually need to cut your arm off.  Also, make sure not to run with unsheathed scissors if the zombies come for you.

4. Survival kit and commode

Useful when nature calls.

Useful when nature calls.

Along with your scissors, you are going to need other supplies.  This invention helps you deal with probably the most grueling aspect of your survival: finding a comfortable way to go to the toilet.  Not only can you carry your supplies in this portable commode, but you can even bring toilet paper, sparing you from accidentally using poison ivy.  Remember the old saying “Leaves of three let them be; leave of four, eat some more.”

5. Firearm alarm having remote indicator

Maybe a better self-defense option than the scissors.

Maybe a better self-defense option than the scissors.

It’s going to be hard to hunt for food without a gun; however, you might not want to carry it around with you at all times.  This handy alarm with make a loud noise, alerting you to the fact that someone else has taken your gun, that you were stupid for not taking it with you at all times, and you should probably run away.

Next time: Danny will be too busy fighting off zombies for there to be a “next time.”

Find previous writings and musings from the off-kilter Danny Rooney here.

Patent Analysis from Landon IP

This post was contributed by Registered Patent Agent Dan Wolka and edited by Joelle Mornini. The Intellogist blog is provided for free by Intellogist’s parent company Landon IP, a major provider of patent searches, trademark searches, technical translations, and information retrieval services.


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