Patents helping you shop ’til you drop

The holiday season is upon us and moved into full swing that day after Thanksgiving that is commonly known as Black Friday. While no one can tell exactly where that name came from, the cynic inside of me thinks that it has to do with all the black eyes and bruises that you receive while shopping for incredible deals in a setting that can only be described as post-apocalyptic. All to wait in line for hours, waking up at the crack of dawn (anything before 9am is dawn for me), to save $12 on some electronics that are guaranteed to break in 3 months as explicitly stated on the packaging. While Black Friday has come and gone, as has the gentler Cyber Monday, where nerds see who can purchase the newest Call of Duty for the lowest price using a variety of web magic, we can still prepare ourselves for next year’s battle royale with some great patents. Cue the eerie and ominous music!

1) Shopping list organizer – US 7,219,822 B2

Wouldn’t want that all important wish list to fall on the ground before Santa could see it.

Just like Santa, you need to make a list and check it twice, in an organized fashion to see who is naughty and nice. You’ll have your list for every store you want to visit (if you are so bold), all in one place.

2) Shopping list holder – US 5,154,330 A

This could be used for groceries, sure, but what’s the fun in that?

Once you have your list, you need to attach it to the kid’s seat of your shopping cart so you can read it while swerving your cart around to avoid the melee of fellow shoppers. If you actually need to use your kid’s seat since you brought your kids with you to Black Friday, then parenting classes might be at the head of your list.

3) Pen having high cow flow for automated milking – US 5,140,942 A

Ostensibly for cows, this might revolutionize queue design in major shopping centers.

Practice moving in a high density feed, I mean, shopping area using this cow pen. With some practice, you’ll be able to move with ease through the congestion you are bound to face.

4) Retractable baseball bat – US 7,166,046 B1

This might also come in handy as junior ages from T-Ball through the Major Leagues.

I’m definitely not advocating violence, but this might come in handy just in case. At least that is what every movie I have ever seen has taught me.

5) Inflatable gift wrapping apparatus – US 5,447,010 A

Before opening the present, kids can use this as an asymmetrical beach ball of sorts.

If you come back alive, use this inflatable table to wrap your presents. But take your time. You’ve earned it by surviving Black Friday.

Next time: Danny apologizes once again for his cynicism and sarcasm. Participating in Black Friday is probably statistically safer than driving, unless you are driving on Black Friday.

Find previous writings and musings from the off-kilter Danny Rooney here.
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This post was contributed by Registered Patent Agent Dan Wolka and edited by Chris Jagalla. The Intellogist blog is provided for free by Intellogist’s parent company, Landon IP, a major provider of patent search, technical translation, and information services.

One Response

  1. re: Black Friday

    According to the OED:

    1951 Factory Managem. & Maintenance Nov. 137/1 ‘Friday-after-Thanksgiving-itis’ is a disease second only to the bubonic plague in its effects… When you decide you want to sweeten up the holiday kitty, pick Black Friday to add to the list..Friday after Thanksgiving is the company’s seventh paid holiday.

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