After an extended break that saw us survive the Mayan Apocalypse, the fiscal cliff (at least for now), and Lance Armstrong’s “I’m sorry because I want people to like me again” apology, Danny is back to help make your day more palatable with unique comedy stylings and third person references stolen directly from popular TV shows and movies over the past few decades. One of my resolutions this year has been to not be so cold. I don’t mean cold in the sense of being mean or rude to people, but physically being cold. As I have mostly lived in areas with a cold winter, the quest for warmth has been a major goal for mine for 6 months out of the year. There are two solutions to this problem as I see it: I can gain weight or purchase something unique that keeps me warm. While the thought of limitless ice cream and donuts to help me put on the layer of blubber that I recently saw on a birthing elephant seal sounds appealing because I could get to wear a moo moo, the chest pains aren’t so enticing. My best bet would be to try out some of these gadgets to help keep me warm. And if anyone who is reading is from a company that produces infomercials, let them know that I am open to writing their scripts.
Depending on where you live, it’s starting to get to be that time again. No, I’m not talking about the EPL (best to ignore that for now) or American football starting up again. I’m talking about that harrowing day where the ice cream trucks stop chiming, the sprinklers turn off, and the kids head out with their parents to get the latest supplies since it’s “Back to School” time. No, I don’t I mean the awesome Rodney Dangerfield movie featuring the amazing Triple Lindy that would win any Olympic diving meet. As kids are herded from store to store looking for school supplies and clothes without stains and giant holes, here are patents of the things that a young child would actually want for that first day of school…
It’s been three weeks since my last post. In that time, so much has occurred as I’ve taken the choo-choo train across Europe. In the European Championships (official song – Endless Summer), my teams had mixed results. Holland disappointed, bowing out of the tournament without a single win and causing their coach to quit. Portugal had a much better time by getting to the semi-finals, but losing out in what turned out to be a very strange penalty shootout, where the well-coifed one didn’t even take a penalty. Note to the coach: when your fans, of Portuguese origin or not, watch both Pepe and Bruno Alves step up to the spot and immediately scream NOOOO, then you know you picked the wrong players. If only Helder Postiga hadn’t been injured, he could have countered Ramos’ Panenka with a Panenka of his own. Even my fake fifth cousin Wayne couldn’t bring England past Italy (via yet another Panenka by Pirlo). Apparently the old saying “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” for old Wayne meant his fitness never left Nevada.
In tennis news, the French Open finished on a Monday due to a rain delay, David Nalbandian forfeited the final of Queens Club tournament after accidentally kicking a line judge and Wimbledon action has started, sending shares of strawberries and Pimm’s through the roof (note to self: sell shares BEFORE the final, not AFTER).
In these past three weeks, the temperature has gone from 70°F (21°C) to over 90°F (32°C), causing a number of large wildfires in Colorado. Since summer has now officially started (causing most retailers to clear up their summer stock and put out the Back-to-School stuff, even though the school year just ended), I want to salute the following inventors that have toiled through the summer heat to make your lives a little less sweaty.
A strange string of events got me thinking about this week’s topic, diving. First, James Cameron became the first solo submersible diver to make it to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, the deepest point on Earth, beating out Graham Hawkes, a famous submersible designer using Richard Branson’s billions, who I recently read about in an article in Men’s Journal. Word is that Cameron was shooting film for his next movie, Avatar 2: The Abyss, as he follows the Hollywood tradition of recycling as much material as possible (cough, Titanic 3D, cough), thereby avoiding having to come up with an original thought.
Secondly, I stumbled upon the 80s classic, Back to School, starring Rodney Dangerfield, a drugged out Robert Downey, Jr., Billy ‘Johnny Lawrence of the Cobra Kai’ Zabka, that lady from Star Trek: Deep Space 9, Burt ‘Adrian’s brother from Rocky’ Young, Sam Kinison, character actors M. Emmet Walsh and Ned ‘I was in every movie in the 70s and 80s’ Beatty, a random British actor, and some guy that looks like Squeak from BASEketball, that just happens to include a famous diving scene where Dangerfield’s stunt double performs the deadly, and hilarious, Triple Lindy.
Finally, Chelsea played Barcelona, where the greatest divers in the world, Didier Drogba and the tandem of Sergio Busquets and Dani Alves squared off to see who could best impersonate being hit by a long-range sniper (I’ll pretend my fake, fifth cousin Wayne’s teammate, Ashley Young, doesn’t exist).
Fate provided a topic, so let’s dive right in to some fun diving patents.
Danny Rooney here. Manchester United is the team my fake fifth cousin Wayne plays for, and therefore I despise everything about Liverpool FC (except Steve McManaman…great name). Not just for footballing reasons though, although who wouldn’t prefer America’s team (Everton FC), just a 5 minute walk away from Anfield. Everton is the home of Tim Howard, Marcus Hahnemann, Landycakes (Landon Donovan), and possibly Edson Buddle. Still, it’s not quite FulhAmerica of a few years ago. Also, I’ve always been more of a Rolling Stones fan than a Beatles fan. The reason I mention Liverpool FC is because they have been dropped by Adidas (ha, ha!) (the manufacturer of their jerseys), and picked up by Michigan-based Warrior Sports.
Now that I am within shouting distance of the jersey manufacturer for a European soccer club, today seemed like a good day to take a look at some of the best sports apparel that has graced the patent office.
Well, we’re still here. I guess the Mayans were wrong. Who would have expected that the end of the world wouldn’t have actually occurred except for Harold Camping …wait, what’s that? The Mayans actually predicted that December 21 was the date in question? And it’s really just the end of a cycle and not the end of the world? John Cusack, how could you let me down like that? I haven’t been this disappointed in you since Hot Tub Time Machine.
The New Year is a time for deep reflection and creating resolutions based upon said deep reflection. But who are we kidding…everyone’s top two resolutions are losing weight and making more money. I can’t help you out with the later unless you are interested in some real estate that also happens to cross a body of water, but I can help you lose those holiday pounds fueled by booze, cubed cheese, cookies, and processed meat-based substances using products that Billy Mays would have been proud to shoot at you while watching TV at 3 am on a Tuesday.
Read all about the exciting world of workout-while-at-work patents ahead!
Summer is ending. The time to kick back, drink caipirinhas and listen to Will Smith is almost over. In my hometown of Detroit, we have a tradition of ending the summer by driving classic cars up and down a famous street, cranking some Whitesnake, and drinking some brews. It’s called the Woodward Dream Cruise and anyone with a working car that was cool at some point in the last 100 years will be there.
The Intellogist Blog has reviewed a good number of interesting patent documents: from the odd to the godly, for both ladies and gentlemen. But let’s search outside our own borders and venture into exotic locales to hunt for the wildest patents (and patent applications) we can find. Read on to find the top 11 sources for crazy patent documents!
The votes are in and here’s what you all thought of my last column. Fortunately, the weapon was only a pie, and not a jagged spork. Luckily, someone in this family is doing well; it just happens to not be me. I really need to go out and practice my writing. As promised, this week I am bringing you the top inventions for a future woman, presented in order of use throughout the day. A special thanks to working mothers ED and JW for their valuable input. Ladies, if something bothers you about this list, feel free to blame them.
Read on for the 6 inventions you simply must have!