Depending on where you live, it’s starting to get to be that time again. No, I’m not talking about the EPL (best to ignore that for now) or American football starting up again. I’m talking about that harrowing day where the ice cream trucks stop chiming, the sprinklers turn off, and the kids head out with their parents to get the latest supplies since it’s “Back to School” time. No, I don’t I mean the awesome Rodney Dangerfield movie featuring the amazing Triple Lindy that would win any Olympic diving meet. As kids are herded from store to store looking for school supplies and clothes without stains and giant holes, here are patents of the things that a young child would actually want for that first day of school…
Friday marks the start of one of my favorite quadrennial traditions, the European football (soccer) championships (also known as Euro 2012). Even if you don’t like soccer, you may have been exposed to the euphoria of Landon ‘Landycakes‘ Donovan, as he scored a last gasp goal against Algeria to put the USA through to the knock-out rounds in the 2010 World Cup. In 2011, you saw Abby Wambach score on a header to level the score against Brazil in the Women’s World Cup. The European championships are like a mini-World Cup, but only for Europe, and some would say a tournament contested at a higher level. Every four years, my brother and I journey to the promised land (in this case Poland) to watch the games at the local Fan Fest, meet random fans, and get rowdy like you can only do on holiday.
You may think that my team to support would be England, seeing as how my fake fifth cousin Wayne (who starts the tournament serving a two game ban for kicking out at an opponent during a qualifier…which is probably only in the middle of stupid things he has done) is English, but that is not the case. Next you might turn to the land of my real ancestors, ze Germans, but ever since the bad sport Michael Ballack scored against the winner, the USA in 2002, helped in part by some atrocious refereeing, I turn elsewhere. That brings us to the Dutch and the Portuguese. The Ajax teams of 1995 and 1996 started my affair with Le Oranje, while Portugal gets points for being a great place to visit, as well as including United old-boy and sometime Kardashian dater, Cristiano Ronaldo. To celebrate this great event, let’s journey through a hat trick of patents!
A strange string of events got me thinking about this week’s topic, diving. First, James Cameron became the first solo submersible diver to make it to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, the deepest point on Earth, beating out Graham Hawkes, a famous submersible designer using Richard Branson’s billions, who I recently read about in an article in Men’s Journal. Word is that Cameron was shooting film for his next movie, Avatar 2: The Abyss, as he follows the Hollywood tradition of recycling as much material as possible (cough, Titanic 3D, cough), thereby avoiding having to come up with an original thought.
Secondly, I stumbled upon the 80s classic, Back to School, starring Rodney Dangerfield, a drugged out Robert Downey, Jr., Billy ‘Johnny Lawrence of the Cobra Kai’ Zabka, that lady from Star Trek: Deep Space 9, Burt ‘Adrian’s brother from Rocky’ Young, Sam Kinison, character actors M. Emmet Walsh and Ned ‘I was in every movie in the 70s and 80s’ Beatty, a random British actor, and some guy that looks like Squeak from BASEketball, that just happens to include a famous diving scene where Dangerfield’s stunt double performs the deadly, and hilarious, Triple Lindy.
Finally, Chelsea played Barcelona, where the greatest divers in the world, Didier Drogba and the tandem of Sergio Busquets and Dani Alves squared off to see who could best impersonate being hit by a long-range sniper (I’ll pretend my fake, fifth cousin Wayne’s teammate, Ashley Young, doesn’t exist).
Fate provided a topic, so let’s dive right in to some fun diving patents.
It is officially spring, which means the onslaught of summer has been put on hold, at least for another week. The warm weather in many parts of the world is bringing about the early blooming of some spectacular foliage, teasing everyone just enough until the crushing heat returns to dry everything up, signaling the true start of summer. In the sports world, spring marks a transitional period as NCAA basketball has wrapped up, MLB and MLS are starting up, and the NBA and EPL are heading into the home stretch. (BRB ASAP, I need to get some PBJ and OJ to celebrate Acronym Day, LOL.) Spring is also a good time to partake in everyone’s favorite activity: chores, specifically spring cleaning. While some might enjoy this activity, the rest of us think about the old infomercial adage, “There’s got to be a better way?!”
Well, my friends, there is…at least theoretically, as I present to you some of the best cleaning patents.
Summer is ending. The time to kick back, drink caipirinhas and listen to Will Smith is almost over. In my hometown of Detroit, we have a tradition of ending the summer by driving classic cars up and down a famous street, cranking some Whitesnake, and drinking some brews. It’s called the Woodward Dream Cruise and anyone with a working car that was cool at some point in the last 100 years will be there.
The votes are in and here’s what you all thought of my last column. Fortunately, the weapon was only a pie, and not a jagged spork. Luckily, someone in this family is doing well; it just happens to not be me. I really need to go out and practice my writing. As promised, this week I am bringing you the top inventions for a future woman, presented in order of use throughout the day. A special thanks to working mothers ED and JW for their valuable input. Ladies, if something bothers you about this list, feel free to blame them.
Read on for the 6 inventions you simply must have!
Every year around the Thanksgiving holiday in the US, we see a rash of stories about people burning their houses down by incorrectly trying to deep fry their turkey. For every problem that exists (as we all know) there is someone trying to patent a solution. Today we’ll take a look at some of the best practices for deep frying turkeys (not to be confused with Intellogist’s Best Practices section about patent searching) and the patents inspired by this delicious dish.
For me, Thanksgiving is usually less intense than burning the house down with an oil fire (usually). I’m blessed that I get along well with my family, it’s usually not too big of an affair, and the food turns out well (and not well charred). The most heated moment is usually during the annual Detroit Lions football game, when they inevitably bumble and squander any chance of winning the game. They’ve been so bad for so long that another terrible loss has become part of the tradition. To everyone out there, I apologize you’ve had to watch them for so many years in a row.
Getting off the subject of on-field turkeys, follow along with us as we look at some of the issues surrounding turkey frying safety and the patents that set out to keep our birds cooked properly and prevent massive fireballs from erupting. Let’s have some fun!