Patents to help warm you up

After an extended break that saw us survive the Mayan Apocalypse, the fiscal cliff (at least for now), and Lance Armstrong’s “I’m sorry because I want people to like me again” apology, Danny is back to help make your day more palatable with unique comedy stylings and third person references stolen directly from popular TV shows and movies over the past few decades. One of my resolutions this year has been to not be so cold. I don’t mean cold in the sense of being mean or rude to people, but physically being cold. As I have mostly lived in areas with a cold winter, the quest for warmth has been a major goal for mine for 6 months out of the year. There are two solutions to this problem as I see it: I can gain weight or purchase something unique that keeps me warm. While the thought of limitless ice cream and donuts to help me put on the layer of blubber that I recently saw on a birthing elephant seal sounds appealing because I could get to wear a moo moo, the chest pains aren’t so enticing. My best bet would be to try out some of these gadgets to help keep me warm. And if anyone who is reading is from a company that produces infomercials, let them know that I am open to writing their scripts.

1) Methods and devices for manipulating the thermoregulatory status of a mammal – US 2007/0123962 A1

Transfer that heat to where you need it most.

This core body heat regulating device would fit right in with Michael Jackson’s oxygen tent. It also functions as a corset for the ladies who want to stay warm while wearing 1880s style ballroom dresses.

2) Method for increasing body heat transfer – EP0396720 B1

This guy works out, I’m pretty sure of that.

This heat transfer device applies a warming heat to your body while letting you wear a super-hero type suit. For those of you in Philadelphia, you can bust out the Green Man suit in absolute comfort.

3) Hooded Jacket with Convertible Sleeping Bag – US 2012/0260394 A1

It could probably also be used as a body bag.

I can’t wait for this design to become an informercial in the near future. Nothing says class like a sleeping bag that you can wear. While the purpose of this device is actually practical, reducing weight for those doing outdoor activities, it is perfect to be converted into a sold on TV design. Poorly made synthetic fleece is cheap and easy to obtain, while a one-size-fits-all outline cuts down on manufacturing costs. Add in some generic movie-star impersonators like Yanni Depp and Rachel PatchAdams to pitch the product, and you have a printing press on your hands.

4) Portable furnace for wearing apparel – US 4,441,483 A

Watch out for the hot foot.

It looks like a flask, but this mini-furnace keeps your little piggies warm with up to three different kinds of heat. Actually that last bit about the three kinds of heat isn’t true, but it sounds like a real thing that can entice people to buy.

Next time: Danny finally goes shopping, but ends up with a Forever Lazy and matching Footies. He starts having hallucinations featuring PJ the Koala and a Didgeridoo.

Find previous writings and musings from the off-kilter Danny Rooney here.

This post was contributed by Registered Patent Agent Dan Wolka and edited by Chris Jagalla. The Intellogist blog is provided for free by Intellogist’s parent company, Landon IP, a major provider of patent search, technical translation, and information services.