As summer turns to fall (finally) in the Northern Hemisphere and the temperatures cool, we can be thankful for a crisis that has recently been averted. No, I’m not talking about the end of the NFL referee lockout (although that gave us two tickets to the gun show courtesy of Ed Hochuli), but the end of the Baconpocalypse. It was recently rumored that there would be a bacon shortage in 2013 due to the droughts that have lowered the production of grain and corn used to feed the little piggies. However, other sources have stated that while prices may go up, there should be plenty of bacon available. Now I realize that not everyone eats meat, but for those who do, this was potentially tragic news. Let us take you through the process creating bacon from these magical animals with some revolutionary bacon-related patents!
1) Arrangement for individual feeding of free-range animals – US 6,539,896 B1
Before you can get to the delicious bacon, you first must feed the animal. This invention provides a production line-like system for feeding the animal, rather than a more natural process, like letting the animal roam and forage on its own. While there is much debate about which process is better, there is no denying that this system best replicates the game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
2) Bacon slicing apparatus – US 4,719,831 A
Once the bacon is ready for processing, a slicing apparatus is used to cut the meat into the appropriately size slices. Yes, we skipped the parts that no one likes to talk about or admit they exist. No, I will not tell you what those are.
3) Method for packaging bacon – US 5,141,761 A
Once the bacon is sliced, it needs to be packaged. This system uses a modern production line to wrap the bacon for sale. Just don’t get caught in the production line.
4) Bacon Box – US 4,924,049 A
The bacon box is another “ready for infomercial” invention. This device allows one to cook bacon while reducing its fat content, all without having to pay George Foreman for his grill. Your other option is to use the SuperPan, but make sure the pan doesn’t give you a kiss.
5) Process for the production of a bacon analogue – US 4,235,935 A
For those that don’t eat meat, but want that bacon texture and taste, this mashup of processed soy, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, and natural and artificial flavorings and colors will get you the flavor you crave. Just don’t get it caught between your teeth, as they can be quite hard to get out.
Next time: Danny travels to Portland to try the Bacon-Maple donut at Voodoo Doughnut
Find previous writings and musings from the off-kilter Danny Rooney here.
This post was contributed by Registered Patent Agent Dan Wolka and edited by Chris Jagalla. The Intellogist blog is provided for free by Intellogist’s parent company, Landon IP, a major provider of patent search, technical translation, and information services.