Dan Rooney here. It’s been a sad couple of weeks for the Rooney family, as fictionally-related third Uncle Andy passed away on November 4th. He was a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon, often yelling at kids to turn down their phonographs and wondering if this brilliant new invention, the motor car, was ever going to catch on. Andy complained about more things than anyone of us could ever hope to complain about in our lifetime. And for that, we salute him by compiling what we think are Andy’s favorite NEW, game-changing inventions (obviously tongue-in-cheek)!
Rest in peace, Andy.
1) Phonograph – US 393,640 A
While Andy might not like those kids playing that loud swing music, his mind is turned when his wife turns on the phonograph, and they dance the june bug until dawn.
2) Motor car – US 373,639 A
Walking is for suckers. This motor car is made with 8 tons of steel, can only run on railway tracks, and goes from 0 to 60 mph in 8.2 hours.
3) Toilet Pomade – US 188,286 A
If you want a chance to hold hands with your bestest gal, you are going to have to look your best. This mixture of 1.5 pounds of cocoa or palm soap, six oz. of tartar salt, 4 oz. of glycerine, one oz. of oil of lavender, and ten drops of citronella, keeps your hair soft, pliable and free from dandruff. It also acts as a bug repellant, cologne, or in a pinch, a low-grade explosive.
4) Hair Brush – US 48,295 A
You don’t want to get your hands dirty when applying the pomade, so why not try this brush. Its built-in pomade applicator keeps your hands fresh and clean, and gives you the confidence you need to hold the heck out of her hand.
5) Bread and Vegetable Slicer – US 25,633 A
Throughout the history of man, only one product has had a truly profound effect on history ––– sliced bread. The Davies family of Muskegon, Michigan did what would have been unthinkable at the time, creating a machine that slices both bread and vegetables. This machine was the key for Andy’s slow curmudgeoning. The increase in productivity gave him so much extra time, that rather than just being exhausted all the time, he could spend his new free-time thinking of things to complain about.
Next time: Danny tries to pay his respects to his late third uncle, but then realizes that it was all made up.
This post was contributed by Registered Patent Agent Dan Wolka and edited by Chris Jagalla. The Intellogist blog is provided for free by Intellogist’s parent company, Landon IP, a major provider of patent search, technical translation, and information services.